matisyahu one day

Matisyahu's "King Without a Crown" is an awesome reggae jam, but I'm guessing he never could have imagined that he'd be talked about in the same sentence as LeBron James as a result.

Regardless, it appears that the musical wonder isn't the one missing a critical accessory.

By 

Ethan Norof

Anthony Weiner Scandal Photo

Political Anthony Weiner
Rep. Anthony Weiner's admission to tweeting lewd pictures of himself has turned him into a late-night laughingstock. Here's a roundup of the best Weiner jokes:

"It turns out that one of the women Congressman Anthony Weiner was communicating with was a p**n star. When asked how it was possible to get involved with someone in such a sleazy business, the p**n star said, 'I don't know.'" —Conan O'Brien

"Congressman Weiner is in a lot of trouble since he tweeted those pictures. But good news for him, he just found out he'll be allowed to keep his p**n name ... Anthony Weiner." —Conan O'Brien

"Anthony Weiner admitted to sending inappropriate messages to several women via Twitter, text, email, and Facebook. I think the lesson here is that if you're going to send explicit pictures of yourself, send them through MySpace, where no one will notice." —Jimmy Kimmel

"51 percent of New York voters think Congressman Weiner should keep his seat in office. The other 49 percent think that he should disinfect it." —Conan O'Brien

"What?! The congressman had a s*x scandal and had to apologize to Bill Clinton? For what?! Copyright infringement?" —Jon Stewart

"I don't know if laws were broken or not, but Weiner was sending around pictures of him in his underpants and I thought, Well, now, wait a minute, what is the big deal? Don't men and women in Congress get to mail their packages for free?!" —David Letterman

"This is why Twitter exists. Members of Congress can now send you pictures of their p*****s electronically. Remember the old days of Senator Larry Craig when you had to get in your car, drive to the airport, find the airport bathroom, try to figure out which stall he's in, knock on the door...Now they send it right to your house." —Jay Leno

"Democrats don't share our values. An elected official is tweeting dirty photos of himself to strange women who he never meets for S*X? Come on! At least Republican Chris Lee was trying to get some action! Republican politicians are man enough to hit that thing. Ensign, Vitter, even when it's a gay scandal! They're not tweeting love letters. They're tearing up an airport bathroom until somebody calls the cops on them!" —Stephen Colbert

by Daniel Kurtzman

Parallels with Mineral water

Parallels between breast milk and mineral water?

The same source, from the mountains

Professor thought to the future

Why is a history teacher head bald the back, while the bald head Professor in front?

For history teachers think in the past, being a Professor thought to the future.

Smart man plus smart woman

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = pregnancy
Dumb man + smart woman = affair
Dumb man + dumb woman = marriage
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

A woman will pay

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

Brad and The Cakes

Brad was extremely hungry, so he left work and went to a local snack bar where

he bought a cake.  When Chen had eaten the cake, he found that he was still

famished, and so he ate a second one.

Even then he was not full up and promptly ate six cakes in succession, but he

hadn't satisfied his hunger.  Not until Brad had eaten the seventh cake did he

feel satisfied.

Then, suddenly, he had a feeling of regret. 'Ah, if I had known this before, I

would have eaten the seventh cake first and that would have been enough and

there would not have been any need to eat those six others.'

After The Honeymoon

After the Honeymoon

justin and selena, a young couple, got married and went happily on their

honeymoon.

When they got back, Elaine immediately 'phoned her mother and her mother

obviously asked, 'How was the honeymoon, dearest?'

'Oh, Ma,' she replied, 'the honeymoon was wonderful. So romantic...'

Then Elaine burst out crying. 'But, Ma, as soon as we returned home Rupert

started using the most ghastly language... saying things I've never heard

before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and

take me home.... Please Ma.'

'Calm down, selena!,' said her mother, 'Tell me, what could be so awful?  What

4-letter words?'

Still sobbing, selena whispered, 'Oh, Ma...words like dust, wash, cook, and

iron.'

shot down

Difficult Landing

The airline had a policy that required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a - 'Thanks for flying abcde airline'.

An airline pilot on this particular flight hammered his plane into the runway really hard.  In light of his bad landing, he had difficulty looking the passengers in the eye, all the time he thought that a passenger would have a smart comment.  However, it seemed that all the passengers were too shell shocked to say anything.

Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane.  She said, 'Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?' Why no Ma'am,'  said the pilot, 'What is it', the little old lady said, 'Did we land or were we shot down?'

ATM machines

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling

customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this

new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing

their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE and FEMALE procedures have been

developed.

Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender:

MALE PROCEDURE

1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance

from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back

page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot

provided.!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

Well, today I didn't do it !!!

One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His

three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with

empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.
The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house.

Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess.

A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In

the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room

was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the

counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table,

and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.
He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes,

looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious

had happened. He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in bed in her

pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day

went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked,
"What happened here today?"
She again smiled and answered,
"You know every day when you come home from work and ask me what in the world

did I do today?"

"Yes" was his incredulous reply.

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it!!!"

monkeys categories

There are 3 categories of monkeys

1. Monkey Conforming: who would read this sms ...!!!

2. Monkey Spiteful: will this sms balez ...!!!

3. Monkey Stingy: who would not reply to this sms ...!!!

Personal Driver

I will always be there for you, is always present when you need. Wherever you go wherever you were I always loyal be. Because I am the personal DRIVER

Prayer Of An Angler

Lord, give me a chance to get such a large fish,

so in telling stories to his friends, I'm not frustrated and no longer need to trick them

Formula Of Love

Formula of love:

Hate x hate = love

Love + love = love

Faded love-love =

Love: 2 = affair

2 x = caught having an affair

Caught 2 x = disconnect

great Guy

A regular guy, looking for a girl is well. Great guy, looking for girls to be repaired

just For You

+ All my heart just for you ...

-Basic liar!!! the proof you are the same I'm stingy once

+ I said our whole heart, not all earnings

A good husband and a good wife categories

Good husband, always ask the OPINION of his wife. Good wife, always ask for

Her husband's INCOME

Fear The Husband

It turned out very much afraid of husband and wife. Afraid his wife know his deeds.

Cigarette Magic Objects

The cigarette was magical. He is the "kills" users, but the retailer.

The Meaning Of Love's

He said: Love Is a must have. That is to say: if it turns out I don't have any, I don't you disconnect your love

The Meaning Of Love Is Blind

He said: love is blind. Real intent: If I wrong holds, then grant

Males and Females

An excess of males: free choice of women who they like. An excess of females: decline

males are not preferred

A Woman complex

The woman was complicated. want to white, but unwilling to whitish. Reject violence, but don't want the same reply flaccid

Terrestrial Crocodiles

+ She's a true land crocodile

-WHY?

+ Just look at his shirt, Lacoste BRAND, his BRAND of Crocs sandals, pants that USED BRANDS of Crocodile

Funny SMS would be brought where the the read SMS.

A 7 year old little boy asked his teacher. Why should there be

Hell? 

Then the teacher replied: If there is no hell, would be brought where the

the read SMS.

Funny SMS If you forget me ... lol

Eyes: to see Mu

Hands: to touch You

The mind: To remember Thee

Caution: To yearn for Thee

Feet: to kick you. ..

If you forget me ... lol

Funny SMS a hot coffee-lowering medications let fast cold!

doctors see patients for the HOSPITAL and then entered the grain coffees to remedy it.

doctor: what medication is inserted into your coffee?

patient: a hot coffee-lowering medications let fast cold!

Funny SMS I have a lot of sms LIE in hp

I have a lot of sms LIE in hp

but can't send it to you all

I just choose 1

then I send 1 sms this to you

"you're cute"

the people's Representatives

At an elementary school is being applied a new subjects, i.e. PMWR

aka the lesson of the Parliament. Then the Teachers get started with

give you a few questions on his students.

Teacher: "Regent and Vice-regent, which is higher and must be respected?"

Pupil: "Regent, Mom!"

Teacher: "the Governor and Deputy Governors, which is higher and should

respected? "

Pupil: "Governor, mom!"

Teacher: "the President and Vice Presien, which is higher and should

respected? "

Pupil: "President, mom!"

Teacher: "the people and the people's Representatives, which is higher and must be respected?"

Pupil: "should the hell people, mom!"

Teacher: "Kok, wear should be?"

Pupil: "because now even inverted mom."

Teacher: "good, continue to sign so that we know as our Representatives how?"

Pupil: "for sure they like the color gray."

Teacher: "very well, continued to let alone?"

Pupil: "Like political conspiracy"

Teacher: "for what?"

Pupil: "interests, mom!"

Teacher: "Exactly once, frequently appear where they are?"

Pupil: "on television, mom!"

Teacher: "for what?"

Pupil: "because of the scandals and cases, mom!"

Teacher: "Ouch, son of his Mother pinter-pinter, continue to characterize the Wakil Rakyat let alone?"

Pupil: "Would often suddenly wealthy, mom!"

Teacher: "Where, how can that be?"

Pupil: "corruption, mom. If it is not possible to grant that does not

clear. "

Pupil: "Of the wanted benefit."

Teacher: "Keep right Representatives often hold a session, how many years?"

Pupil: "every day, mom!"

Teacher: "How come, reason?"

Pupil: "Let me be allowances and commissions meeting."

Teacher: "Usually discussed what?"

Pupil: "no mom, go right ear left ear out."

Teacher: "So the people with the Wakil Rakyat, which is where his boss?"

Pupil: "Yes, of course, mom!"

Teacher: "why should it?"

Pupil: "because of the strange, MOM!"

Teacher: "strange why?"

Pupil: "strange once if the boss is lack of food at home, mom! While his Deputy asik import food. hoard too, mom. "

Teacher: "good, it turns out that before you guys have taught a lot to know about

Representatives of the people Yes. "

Pupil: "yes mom, so it's no secret anymore. The people there have been many who

know, mom. "

Teacher: "there have been many who know why cool relax in Parliament?"

Pupil: "Right, have no sense of shame,,mom"???

Sort Funny Jokes Professors who also served as government officials

In the cafeteria of a University, justin beiber and kris humphries two students being interact:

kris humphries: "I wonder if Professor of political science, teaching always sit, never

want to stand. "

justin beiber: ", kris?? just watch out for. "

kris humphries: "Yes, justin beiber knows what is not."

justin beiber: "perhaps the only, fatigue, or his feet do not stand strong."

kris humphries: "it's not that's why, since he is also an official."

justin beiber: "what to do?!!"

kris humphries: "Yes if he stands, fearing his seat was occupied by other people."

justin beiber: "???"

Earn Graduation quickly

An American soldier who just registered asks Commander in order to pass the exam within 3 days.

Commander says "are you crazy, just joined the American soldiers, and it would have passed in a 3-day? You have to do 

something spectacular to be able to gain the recognition it! "

So the soldier returned a day later in a tank Iraq!

The Commander was so impressed, he asked, "How did you do?"

"Yes, I jumped in a tank, and going towards the border with the people of Iraq.And I saw a tank of Iraq. I'm raising the white 

flag, the tanks that Iraq also put up white flags. I said to the soldiers of Iraq, "do you also want to get a certificate of 

graduation in the three-day? So we exchanged tank! "

Sort Funny Jokes Setting Up News By Country

A military General invited the reporters to give direction to what can be reported and what should not be reported.

"News of succession should not be written, the President does not like. Labor strikes, not written, the later conflict. News 

corruption should not be politicized, the authority of the Government is broken. The monopoly should not be referred to the 

family of the President, it is not ethical. Politics should not be in favor of the people, later fret. The price increase should not 

be made headlines, the people of later angry. "

A young journalist who can't wait then interrupts, "then, General, what can we preached?"

The General replied calmly, "you guys what I preached and say!"

Funny Story Selena Gomez Married With 11 Men

Justin Beiber , a very handsome young man, recently married a beautiful young woman is elegant and sexy 

who had previously divorced ten husbands already.

On the eve of their wedding, said his wife to Justin beiber, the husband of his ... "Please be gentle Yes, because I'm still a 

Virgin."

"What?!?" says justin beiber is confused. "How can I still a Virgin but had been married ten times?!?"

"Well, my first husband was a sales representative, he kept telling me how great it will happen."

"The two Husbands work in computer software Services; He was never really sure how should it work, but he said he 

would look into it and get back to me. "

"My husband three comes from the field support; He said everything has been checked and found to be, but he was 

unable to turn on the system. "

"The Fourth Husband of work at telemarketing, even though he knows he's got the order, he did not know when he will be 

able to give it. .."

"The Husband is an engineer, he's five understand basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and 

the new design is better."

"Sixth Husband comes from administration; He thought he knew how to do it but he's not sure if it's part of his job. "

"My husband seven are in marketing, although he has a product, he was never sure how positioning it."

"My husband's eight was a psychiatrist, all he did was talk about it."

"The nine Husband is obstetrician, all he did was look at it."

"The Husband is a collector of stamps, ten of which he ever does is lick ... Oh, did I miss him ...!! "

"But now I've been married, justin beiber my dear, I'm so excited!"

"Gee, fabulous once", says justin beiber, really surprised ... "But why!?"

"Being a businessman close to the Government ... This time I knew that I would get a boodle! "

Sort Funny Jokes The MYTH of Customs figures in China

This is the MYTHICAL habit of figures in China:

Smoking, but do not drink wine, Lin Biau died aged 63 years.

Drinking wine but non smoking, Zhou En Lai died aged 73 years.

Smoking, and drinking wine, Mao Ze Dong died aged 83 years.

Smoking, drinking wine and playing cards, Deng Xiao Pin died aged 94 years.

Smoking, drinking wine, playing cards, have a much younger wife, Zhang Xue Liang died 103 years.

Don't smoke, don't drink wine, NOT like playing cards, not having many wives, Lei Feng died young, aged 23 years!

Sort Funny Jokes Study Visits Of Officials Of A State Appeal

Some time ago some members of the delegation from neighboring countries visited the country to study the appeal and learn to create a Ministry of Marine in Switzerland.

When they speak of it, some officers laugh at it, because you do not have sea.

Delegation of Neighbouring replied, "we want to learn from your country. The proof you have the Legal Department and the Ministry of finance ... "

Justin Beiber Family Gay

A man who happened to be the name of justin beiber entered a bar and said at bartendernya: "Hey dude, give me 7 glasses of Vodka!"

The Bartender responds: "Wow, you're definitely going through a day like in hell today"

justin beiber: "Yes you are right, I just know that my brother is a gay!"

The next day the men "justin beiber" again come to the bar and order a drink the same. When the bartender said there was a problem what else these days, the man replied:

"Aarrggh, I just know if it turns out that my younger brother is also a gay!!"

On the third day of the justin beiber back came up to the bar and back order the 7 glasses of vodka and drink all at once. The Bartender who saw him and said: "O Lord, is there not a members who like the women?"

justin beiber then put the glass and said: "with the view of jazzed Yes there, my wife!!.

[Note: the name and the story is not true]

One Dolar to One Number

A Professor gives final test in its class. He shared the test and

wait until they are finished. When the Bell marks the end of the test that reads,

the exam papers were collected.

The professor saw no 1 sheets of money $ 100, which INCLUDE the

a sheet of paper, & reading: ONE DOLLAR for ONE number.

Next week, the Professor returns examination paper. And students who bribed

It gets a return, $ 70

Funny Story Wireless Mic

Wireless Mic

A participant in the meetings of the Commission was grumpy because her voice sounded dashed when he delivered the opinion. Perhaps because microphonnya is broken. But he felt there was a deliberate stand in his way of speaking.

"This is incorrect. Cook's turn I talked his mic dotted like this. Though I do want to pass a reference of opinions that I pointed out earlier, "he said.

"Calm Down. Please be patient to let his corrected the same mic organizers, "said the Chairman of the hearing.

A Committee that knowing it is nimble directly over to muktamirin and directly change the mic used a muktamirin last with the new mic is better, the mic without wires or wearing wire less. But it turns out that the Commission add meeting participants were angry.

"It's a disposable cable just mic dotted. What else does not use cables, "he said.

the Chairman of session and all members of the Commission on the????

Funny Story My Name is Kim Kardashian

Funny story My Name is Kim Kardashian

One night, the door of the room a pair of husband and wife in the Australian Open by force by the police. and a police brandishing rifles to "kim kardashian". the police got the task to capture a husband and wife are

Police: before I caught you mentioned your name!

Kim Kardshian: UM ... my name is. ....Kim ...Kim Kardashian ...[with the face of fear]

Police: Kim Kardashian? Your name is the same as the name of the artist's adulation me, I am not so catch you!

Then the police approaching Kris Humpries while brandishing a gun, and then police it said: what is your name!

Kris Humphries: my name is Kris Humphries "with the face of fear" .... but everyone ...call me kim kardashian.

All Police:???????

[attention: the story and the name is a manufacture of sheer]

gift products

sms cute gift products toothpaste

Congratulations! you have won lottery

with prizes of toothpaste. For the taking

gifts, immediately send us your BIOS complete

to P.O.BOX 10000 accompanied 2 front teeth and its roots

served into guards

As the story, Abunawas served into guards, wherever the King go Abunawas there has always been placed nearby.

King makes The laws of cleanliness of the environment, which in one article reads, Banned defecate on the River except for the King or the King permission, a violation of this chapter is the death penalty.
One day the King invites Abunawas hunting into the forest, by chance, because the King wanted to defecate in the forests then King defecate in river water flowing towards the North.


King defecate in a designated place, Abunawas join defecate as well to the South of the King, so the King noticed any shit other than dirt, the King was angry, and note that Shat is Abunawas.
Abunawas brought to trial, sentenced to death, Abunawas before punishment is implemented, Abunawas was in self-defense, said Abunawas

"King of Majesty, I willingly put to death, but I'll give my reasons why I joined defecate with the King at the time, it is evidence of faith in your Majesty the King, because until the dirt King should I phone with my shit, that's my defense and the reason I am the King ... Please my Law. "


Abunawas who was sentenced to death, spared and instead was given the gift of a House and small boats to place shit abunawas escorting King shit.

The Fighting in Age

Children Age 9 years of fighting.

Small is the new age of Aries 9 years to go home with a bloody nose, eye, and clothes torn. Obviously once he is out of a fight and lose. His father was treating his injuries while asking what happened.

"Well," said Arief, "I had challenged David fighting. And, the father knows, I let him choose his own arms. "

"Oh yeah?" sahut dad, "fair enough, too."

"Yes, but I don't know that he will choose brother reasons!"

Funny SMS A very Detailed explanation.

A very Detailed explanation.

A boy of the age of four are eating apples in the back seat of car on the way home from school.

He asked his father who was driving, "well, why is the color of my Apple turned into chocolate?"

"Because," replied the father explains, "After you eat the skin, the flesh of the fruit of the Apple that will directly contact with air, which causes the flesh fruit oxidized with molecules that can change the structure of an Apple, so ultimately they changed color."

After her father completed explains, the atmosphere becomes quiet some time, until suddenly the children asked to vote slowly, "well, father's last talk at me?"

Funny SMS I'm so worried

I'm so worried

I saw on TV just the police find the figure body lying on the roadside. His face was ugly, hair is not well maintained and his body is full and filled with skin disease ...

Please reply to this sms so that I'm sure you're fine. ...

Funny SMS I'm not arrogant

Monday: Shooting

Tuesday: interview

Wednesday: Photo Shoot

Thursday: so the MC

Friday: Recording

Saturday: Meet Fans

Sun: Weekend

That's a day to day activities despite my hectic schedule but I still remember to awaken you to dinner, so don't say I'm an arrogant celebrity ..

artist confirmation

Congratulations you are recommended to cooperate with the TPI to star in a Film of the life of the "secret of the DIVINE" which was given the title "HANDS FREE" DECAYING DUE to SMS

Funny SMS cute little child sms

A 7 year old little boy asked his teacher. Why should there be hell? Then the teacher replied: kalo gak ada hell, would be brought where people read this SMS.

Funny SMS Love Monkey

Eyes: to see Mu

Hands: to touch you

Mind: To remember you

Caution: To miss you

Feet: to kick you ...

If you forget me

the red lights

Are you not see the red lights? "asked

a police officer to a motorist.

"I see, Sir."

"Then why the brother didn't stop?"

"I do not see you sir."

Funny SMS want to know the reason why I'm texting you

want to know the reason why I'm texting you ...?

4% want to know the news

3 percent attention

2% Klezmer

1% of the matter

90% honey

Yeah, too bad!

loss if the free sms is not in use!

Funny SMS The Lord Doth Know

The Lord Doth Know.

He saw you hungry, he created the food.

When you are thirsty, he created the water.

When you need a friend who is sweet, cool, and kind,

then He sends me

Funny SMS police in speeding tickets

A man complain when police in speeding tickets:

"What is wrong I Sir? I wear a helmet, wear a jacket, have a driving license, why I am ticketed? "

Police responded with light:

"I am surprised to see you ... around wearing a jacket, wear a helmet but did not drive a motor "

Friday Night

On a Friday night, a guard the graveyard look there is a woman

is being played over the HP one grave. Guard graves rebuke:

"Ya are what nights like this play hape above graves?"

The girl replied "Yes Sir, under the signal is weak."

Funny SMS personal Secretary

What is the difference between a personal Secretary to the Secretary

If Secretary saying good morning boss

If private Secretary saying wake up Boss now morning

Funny SMS You Are Cute

I have a lot of sms boong AJA boongan at hp

but unfortunately not able to send to all of you

I am broken up select

I send 1 sms this to you

"you're cute"

Funny Jokes : Disney Password

My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing

them on Post-it notes.

I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and asked why it

was so long.

"Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."

Funny Jokes : Gates and Lightbulb

Q: How many Bill Gateses does it take to change the lightbulb??
A: None. He just calls a meeting & makes darkness the standard.

Funny Jokes : Desert Island Email

A ragged individual stranded for several months on a small desert island in the

middle of the Pacific Ocean one day noticed a bottle lying in the sand with a

piece of paper in it.

Rushing to the bottle, he pulled out the cork and with shaking hands withdrew

the message.

"Due to lack of maintenance," he read, "we regretfully have found it necessary

to cancel your e-mail account."

Funny Jokes : Computer Dictionary

586:
The average IQ needed to understand a PC.

State-of-the-art:
Any computer you can't afford.

Obsolete:
Any computer you own.

Microsecond:
The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.

G3:
Apple's new Macs that make you say, "Gee, it's three times faster than the

computer I bought for the same price a microsecond ago."

Syntax Error:
Walking into a computer store and saying, "Hi, I want to buy a computer and

money is no object."

Hard Drive:
The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, especially after a Syntax

Error.

GUI (pronounced "gooey"):
What your computer becomes after spilling your coke on it.

Keyboard:
The standard way to generate computer errors.

Mouse:
An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.

Floppy:
The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.

Portable Computer:
A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on

business trips.

Disk Crash:
A typical computer response to any critical deadline.

System Update:
A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.

Funny Jokes : New Viruses on the loose!

Oprah Winfrey virus:
Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB and then slowly expands back to

200MB.

AT&T virus:
Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

MCI virus:
Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T

virus.

Politically Correct virus:
Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic

microorganism."

Arnold Schwarzenegger virus:
Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.


Government Economist virus:
Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

New World Order virus:
Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about

it.

Federal Bureaucrat virus:
Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does

practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of

your computer.

Texas virus:
Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

Adam and Eve virus:
Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

Congressional virus:
The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on

each half blaming the other side for the problem.

Airline virus:
You're in Dallas but your data is in Singapore.

Freudian virus:
Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying to its own motherboard.

Public Television virus:
Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.

Elvis virus:
Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self destructs only to resurface at

shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

Nike virus:
Just does it.

Congressional virus #2:
Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user

to accomplish anything.

Star Trek virus:
Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

Health Care virus:
Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for

$4,500.

Funny Jokes : New Viruses on the loose!

Oprah Winfrey virus:
Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB and then slowly expands back to

200MB.

AT&T virus:
Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

MCI virus:
Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T

virus.

Politically Correct virus:
Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic

microorganism."

Arnold Schwarzenegger virus:
Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.


Government Economist virus:
Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

New World Order virus:
Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about

it.

Federal Bureaucrat virus:
Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does

practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of

your computer.

Texas virus:
Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

Adam and Eve virus:
Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

Congressional virus:
The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on

each half blaming the other side for the problem.

Airline virus:
You're in Dallas but your data is in Singapore.

Freudian virus:
Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying to its own motherboard.

Public Television virus:
Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.

Elvis virus:
Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self destructs only to resurface at

shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

Nike virus:
Just does it.

Congressional virus #2:
Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user

to accomplish anything.

Star Trek virus:
Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

Health Care virus:
Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for

$4,500.

Funny Jokes : Essential Disk Care Guide

Never leave diskettes in the drive, as the data can leak out of the disk and

corrode the inner mechanics of the drive.

Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders.

Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles

may be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any

stubborn metal shavings can be removed with scouring powder and steel wool. When

waxing a diskette, make sure the surface is even. This will allow the diskette

to spin faster, resulting in better access time.

Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the drive. "Big" Diskettes may

be folded and used in "Little" drives.

Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the

surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive.

Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through a photo copy machine. If

your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert TWO diskettes into

your drive. Whenever you update a document, the data will be written onto both

disks.

A handy tip for more legible backup copies: Keep a container of iron filings at

your desk. When you need to make two copies, sprinkle iron filings liberally

between the diskettes before inserting them into the drive.

Diskettes should not be removed or inserted from the drive while the red light

is on or flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text.

Occasionally, the red light remains flashing in what is known as a "hung" or

"hooked" state. If your system is hooking, you will probably need to insert a

few coins before being allowed to access the slot.

If your diskette is full and needs more storage space, remove the disk from the

drive and shake vigorously for two minutes.

This will pack the data enough (data compression) to allow for more storage. Be

sure to cover all openings with scotch tape to prevent loss of data.

Data access time may be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the diskette

jacket. This will provide more simultaneous access points to the disk.

Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent system bugs from

spreading.

Funny Jokes : French Computers

A language instructor was explaining to her class that in French, nouns unlike

their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or

feminine.

"House," in French, is feminine-"la mansion."

"Pencil," in French, is masculine - "le crayon."

One puzzled student asked, "...What gender is computer?..."

The teacher did not know, and the word wasn't in her French dictionary.

So for fun she split the class into two groups appropriately enough, by gender,

and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or feminine

noun.

Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The men's group decided that computers should definitely be of the feminine

gender ("la computer"), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is

incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later

retrieval.

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your

pay check on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("le

computer"), because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data but they are still clueless.

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems but half the time they ARE the

problem.

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you'd waited a little

longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

Funny Jokes : Ad Space

Microsoft (Nasdaq: MSFT) announced that it is selling advertising space in the

error messages that appear in Windows.

Acknowledging for the first time that the average user of their operating system

encounters error messages at least several times a day, Microsoft is trying to

take financial advantage of the unavoidable opportunity to make an ad

impression.

"We estimate that throughout the world at any given moment several million

people are getting a 'General Protection Fault' or 'Illegal Operation' warning.

We will be able to generate significant revenue by including a short advertising

message along with it," said Microsoft marketing director Nathan Mirror.

He also mentioned that Microsoft is intended to add banner ads into its Blue

Screen of Death in the near future.

The Justice Department immediately indicated that they intend to investigate

whether Microsoft is gaining an unfair advantage in reaching the public with

this advertising by virtue of its semi-monopolistic control over error messages.

Funny Jokes : Clean the Mouse

How to clean your mouse...

This memo is from an unnamed computer company. It went to all field engineers

about a computer peripheral problem.

The author of this memo was quite serious. The engineers rolled on the floor.

Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit) therefore, if a

mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball

replacement.

Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls

should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside

of the mouse.

Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls.

Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse.

Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method.

Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist-off method.

Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive.

However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.

Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.

It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining

optimum customer satisfaction.

Any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these

necessary items.

Funny Jokes : Computer Problem

The gigantic computer took up a whole wall, dwarfing the two mathematicians

standing before it.

After much flashing and humming a sliver of paper emerged from the vitals of the

machine.

One mathematician, after studying it gravely, turned to the other and said with

awe, "Do you realise that it would take four hundred ordinary mathematicians a

hundred years of calculations to make a mistake this big?"

Funny Jokes : Monkey Organization

An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at

different levels.

Some monkeys are climbing up, some down.

The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.

The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.

Funny Jokes : The Other Side

Once upon a time, there was a river. The Nile River, to be exact. On one side of

the river lived the rabbit, and on the other side lived the bear.

One fine day, the bear was sitting on a stump, enjoying his breakfest of

berries. Then he heard someone yelling at him. It was the rabbit.

"Hey! Hey, Teddy, get your butt over here. I've got something to show you!"

"Not now! I'm eating."

"Oh come on!" said the rabbit. "It's really important."

"No way."

"Please. It's urgent."

So the bear decided to go all the way over the wide river. It took him all day

and all night to get over to the other side. He nearly drowned. And when he

finally got there he was groaning and panting, and wheezing for air.

"Well, rabbit," he panted. "What did you want to tell me?"

"Hey, Teddy," the rabbit began, "look how many berries are on the other side of

the river."

Funny Jokes : Lion Tamer

wo unemployed guys are talking. One says, "I'm going to become a lion tamer."

The other replies, "That's crazy, you don't know nothing about no lion taming."

"Yes I do!"

"Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and

biting, what you gonna do?"

"Well, then I take that big chair they all carry, and I stick it in his face

until he backs down."

"Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them big

claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?"

"Well, then I takes that whip they all carry, and I whip him and whip him until

he backs down."

"Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it in

two? What you gonna do then?"

"Well, then I take that gun they all carry, and I shoot him."

"Well, what if that gun doesn't work? What will you do then?"

"Well, then I pick up some of the shit that's on the bottom of the cage, and I

throw it in his eyes, and I run out of
the cage."

"Well, what if there ain't no shit in the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do

then?"

"Well, that's dumb. Cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out

of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun don't work, there's going

to be some shit on the bottom of that cage, you can bet on that."

Funny Jokes : Vampire bat

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked

himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about

where he got it.

He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until

finally he gave in.

"OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind

him.

Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of

trees.

Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good" said the bat, "Because I sure as hell didn't!"

Funny Jokes : The Hunting Dog

Chester and Earl are going hunting. Chester says to Earl, "I'll send my dog out

to see if there are any ducks out in the pond. If there aren't any ducks out

there, I'm not going hunting."

So he sends the dog out to the pond. The dog comes back and barks twice. Chester

says, "Well I'm not going to go out. He only saw two ducks out there."

Earl says, "You're going to take the dog's barks for the truth?" Earl doesn't

believe it, so he goes to look for himself. When he gets back he says, "I don't

believe it where did you get that dog? There really are only two ducks out

there!"

Chester says, "Well, I got him from the breeder up the road. If you want, you

can get one from him, too."

So Earl goes to the breeder and says he wants a dog like the one his friend

Chester has. The breeder obliges and Earl brings the dog home, tells it to go

out and look for ducks. Minutes later the dog returns with a stick in it's mouth

and starts humping Earl's leg.

Outraged, Earl takes the dog back to the breeder and says, "This dog is a fraud.

I want my money back!"

The breeder asks Earl what the dog did. So Earl tells him that when he sent the

dog out to look for ducks, it came back with a stick in its mouth and started

humping his leg.

The breeder says, "Earl, all he was trying to tell you was that there are more

fucking ducks out there than you can shake a stick at!"

Funny Jokes : Gorilla Chase !!!

There was a man that owned a giant gorilla and, all its life, he'd never left it

on its own.

But eventually he had to go on a business trip and had to leave his gorilla in

the care of his next-door neighbor.

So he explained to his neighbor that all he had to do was feed his gorilla three

bananas a day at three, six and nine o'clock.

But he was never ever, ever to touch its fur.

So the next day the man came and gave the gorilla a banana and looked at it for

a while thinking, “Why can't I touch its fur?” as their didnt seem to be

anything wrong with it.

Every day he came in and looked for a little while longer as he still couldnt

understand until, about a week later, he'd worked himself into a frenzy and

decided that he was going to touch the gorilla.

He passed it the banana and very gently brushed the back of his hand against its

fur.

Suddenly the gorilla went ape shit and started to jump around, then it turned

and began to running towards the man who, in turn, ran through the front door,

over the lawn, across the street, into some one else's sports car and drove off.

In the rear-view mirror, he could see the gorilla in its own sports car, driving

right behing him.

He drove for two hours until the engine began to splutter and the car just

stopped. He jumped out and began to run down the street, over a brick wall, into

someone's front garden and up the apple tree.

He turned around to find the gorilla right behind him beating its chest.

The man jumped down and ran back in to the street screaming, until it became

dark and he thought he'd lost the gorilla.

The man ran into an alleyway then, suddenly, he saw a giant shaddow coming down

the street ahead.

The gorilla!

It came to the end of the alley, stood and looked striaght into the bloodshoot

eyes of the man and came towards him slowly.

This time there was no escape. As the gorilla neared him, the man began to feel

faint.

The giant beast came face to face with him, raised its mighty hand and said,

“Tag! You're it!”

Funny Jokes : Getting Excited at the Zoo

It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a man and his wife are spending the

day at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress,

sleeveless with straps. He's wearing his normal jeans and a T-shirt. The zoo is

not very busy this morning.

As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy

gorilla. Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes ape. (No pun intended)

He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he grunts

and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty

lady in the wavy dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny. He suggests that his

wife teases the poor fellow some more. The husband suggests she pucker her lips,

wiggle her bottom at him, and play along.

She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake

the dead.

Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little

more skin.

She does, and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the bars down.

"Now try lifting your dress up your thighs and sort of fan it at him." he

says.... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and now he's doing flips.

Then the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage,

flings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut.

"Now, tell HIM you have a headache."

Funny Jokes : Farmer and the Pretty Lady

One day, farmer Jones was in town picking up supplies for his farm. He stopped

by the hardware store and picked up a bucket and an anvil, then stopped by the

livestock dealer to buy a couple of chickens and a goose.

Now he had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home.

The livestock dealer said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the

bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your

other hand?"

Hey, thanks!" the farmer said, and off he went.

While walking he met a fair young lady with rather large beautiful breasts. She

told him she was lost, and asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1515

Mockingbird Lane?"

The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I'm going to visit my brother at

1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let's take a
short cut and go down this alley. We'll save half the time to get there".

The fair young lady said, "How do I know that when we get in to the alley you

won't hold me up against the wall, pull down my skirt and ravish me?"

The farmer said, "I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, 2 chickens, and a goose. How

in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The young lady said, "Easy silly! Set the goose down, put the bucket over the

goose, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the friggen chickens!"

Funny Jokes : Dirty Birds

A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have

two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. 'Want to have some fun?'"

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem.

Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two

male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible.

My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your

female parrots will learn to praise and worship."

"Thank you!" the woman responded. The next day the woman brings her female

parrots to the priest's house.

His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.

The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female

parrots say,"Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads

away. Our prayers have been answered!"

Dangerous Squirrels

A man, Bob, and his friend Joe went out hunting. This was Joe’s first time ever

hunting, so he was following Bob’s lead.

Bob saw a small herd of deer and told Joe to stay in the exact spot he was and

to be quiet!

After a few minutes, Bob heard a loud scream. He ran back and asked Joe what had

happened.

Joe said "There was this snake and he slittered across my feet, but I never

screamed.

Then there was this bear that came up to me and snarled, but I never screamed."

"So then what did make you scream," Bob asked, exasperated. "Well," Joe

continued, "two squirells crawled up my pants and I overheard them say, "Should

we take them home or eat ’em now?""

Funny Jokes : Half The Job

"This little computer," said the sales clerk, "will do half of your job for

you."

Studying the machine, the senior VP said, "Fine, I'll take two."

Funny Jokes : Great Writer

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a

great writer.

When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole

world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level,

stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

Funny Jokes : GM Like Computer Industry

At a recent COMDEX, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with

the auto industry and stated that:

"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all

be driving $25 cars that got1,000 miles to the gallon."

General Motors has issued a press release stating:

1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new

car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you
would just accept this, restart and drive on.

4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn, would cause your car

to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall

the engine.

5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car XP" or

"Car 2000". But then you would have to buy more seats.

6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times

as fast and twice as easy to drive, but would only work on 5% of the roads.

7. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning light would be replaced by

a single "general car default" warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

9. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.

10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and

refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the

key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.

11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand

McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor

want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's

performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for

investigation by the justice dept.

12. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn to
drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same

manner as the old car.

13. You would press the "start " button to shut off the engine.

Funny Jokes : Heaven And Hell

In Heaven:

The cooks are French,
The policemen are English,
The mechanics are German,
The lovers are Italian,
The bankers are Swiss.

In Hell:

The cooks are English,
The policemen are German,
The mechanics are French,
The lovers are Swiss,
The bankers are Italian.


In Computer Heaven:

The management is from Intel,
The design and construction is done by Apple,
The marketing is done by Microsoft,
IBM provides the support,
Gateway determines the pricing.

In Computer Hell:

The management is from Apple,
Microsoft does design and construction,
IBM handles the marketing,
The support is from Gateway,
Intel sets the price.

Funy Jokes : Addicted to Internet

Signs Your Partner is Addicted to Internet

- During foreplay, he's always double-clicking your G-spot.

- His new computer includes a DVD-ROM drive, a 56k modem, and a tissue

dispenser.

- When she wants you to take off your pants, she says, "Scroll down."

- Tells everyone he's a pioneer in "palm computing."

- He's suing Playboy.com for repetitive stress injuries.

- Her favorite actor? Tommy Lee.

- When he sees a hot babe, he wryly says, "Boy, I'd like to click on her."

- You look deep into his eyes and see a faint image of Asia Carrera burned into

his corneas.

- As you undress, he takes out his credit card and tells you his birthday.

- During, he yelled, "Refresh! Refresh! "

- His version of foreplay: You lie naked on the bed with a sheet covering you...

he pulls it down slowly for ten minutes.

Funny Jokes : Dear Agony Aunt

Dear Editor,

I have two brothers, one works at Microsoft, the other was sentenced to death in

the gas chamber.

My mother died of insanity when I was three years old, my two sisters are

prostitutes and my father sells drugs.

Recently, I met a girl who was released from a reformatory where she served time

for smothering her illegitimate child to death.

I love this girl very much and want to marry her.

My problem is this:

Shall I tell her about my brother who works at Microsoft?

Sincerely,
Larry

Funny Jokes : Give a Man a Fish

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day.

Teach him to use the Internet, and he won'tv bother you for weeks!

Funny Jokes : Complaint Letter

An allegedly real-life customer complaint letter sent to the NTL complaints

dept..

Dear Cretins

I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your

3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone.

During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I

had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of

monolithic proportions.

Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your

professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more

likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as

you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog

in your office:

My initial installation was cancelled without warning or notice, resulting in my

spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician

to arrive.

When he did not arrive at all, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your

infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling

me to look at your helpful website.... how?

I alleviated the boredom to some small degree by playing with my testicles for a

few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly

adept.

The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the

technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit,

and his cerebrum.

Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After several further

telephone calls (actually 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks) my modem arrived...

A total of six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it.

I estimate that the downtime of your internet servers is roughly 35%... these

are usually the hours between about 6pm and midnight, Monday to Friday, and most

of the useful periods over the weekend.

I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 telephone calls on

my mobile to your no-help line this week, and have been unhelpfully transferred

to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled

bollock jugglers.

I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call

me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me back);

that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line

is available (and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone who

knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been redirected to

an answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be

transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available

(and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman...and several

other variations on this theme.

Doubtless you are no-longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand

other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially

important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't care, it's far more

satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in print than to shout them at

your unending hold music.

Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.

I thought BT were crap, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of god-awful

customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested,

less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers.

That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there? How

surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction

and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are

sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum - incompetents of the highest order.

British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of

success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy.

Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to

receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you do likewise, and cease

any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which

you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver - any such activity

will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief - although these feelings

will quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps a small measure of

bemused rage.

I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter tray,

as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and your

pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during

transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel

considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and

delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL,

and it's worthless employees.

Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you

irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.

Funny Jokes : Buy a Mac

I was just having a conversation with someone who is about to buy a Mac.

I was against it and an argument started.

I said there were too few people supporting the Mac.

He responded, "When was the last time you heard of a virus on a Mac?"

And I said "See, even people who write viruses don't support Macs."

Funny Jokes : America Offline

[To the tune of "American Pie"]

A long, long, time ago
I can still remember when I dialed up their help desk lines.
And I knew if I had the chance
They could make my modem dance
with chats and GIFs and silly pick-up lines.

But Help Desk phone calls made me shiver
with every busy they'd deliver.
Bad news on the front page
A 19-hour outrage.

I can't remember if I cried
when I realized that Steve Case had lied.
But something touched me deep inside
The day the service died.

So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine.
And good old geeks are cheering users offline
Saying this'll be the day that they die.
This'll be the day that they die.

Did you write the book of TOS
Will you send your password to PWD-BOSS
If an IM tells you so.
And will you believe the Motley Fool
When he tells you that the service rules
And can you teach me how to Web real slow?
Well I know you sold the service short
Cause I saw your quarterly report.

Steve Case sold off his stock
It fell just like a rock.

It was a crazy, costly high-tech play
As they slashed away at what subscribers pay
And half their users went away
the day the service died.

So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine
And good old geeks are cheering users offline
Saying this'll be the day that they die.
This'll be the day that they die.

Well for two days we've been on our own
And dial-ins click on a rolling phone
But that's not how it used to be

When the mogul came to Virginia court
With an OS icon and a browser port
And a desktop that looked like Apple III.

And while Jim Clark was looking down
The mogul stole his thorny crown

The browser war was turned.
Mozilla...was spurned.

And while Steve left users out to bond
With hosts unable to respond
6 million newbies all were conned
the day the service died.

So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine
And good old geeks are cheering users offline
Saying this'll be the day that they die.
This'll be the day that they die.

Da Chronic ducked their software guards
And stole a million credit cards
To use accounts he'd gotten free

And so Steve Case went to the FBI
and he told Boardwatch a little lie
That hackers wanted child pornography
But while Steve Case was looking down
The hackers pulled his e-mail down

They put it on the net.
He can't be trusted yet!

And while user cynicism climbs
At sign-on ads and welcome rhymes
They scan their e-mail for "Good Times"
the day the service died.

So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine
And good old geeks are cheering users offline
Saying this'll be the day that they die.
This'll be the day that they die.

Helter-skelter billing needs a melter
The lawyers filed a class-action shelter

Eight million in lawyer's fees.

But it looks like some attorney jibe
an hour if they resubscribe.
To a service marketed for free

Well I KNOW you're raking in the bucks
Cause I'm reading alt.aol-sucks.

"Until we bless the suit
The settlement is moot."

"If AOL treats you like the Borg
Then visit aolsucks.org
Before some router pulls the cord..."
the day the service died.

So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine
And good old geeks are cheering users offline
Saying this'll be the day that they die.
This'll be the day that they die.

Bill Razzouk, the head-to-be
sold off his home in Tennessee
And headed for a 4-month end.

Was he sad or just incensed
when Case offered him his thirty cents.
Billing is the devil's only friend.

But as I read him on the page
My hands were clenched in fists of rage.

No "Welcome" born in hell
could ring that chatroom bell.

And as chat freaks cried into the night
CompuServe read their last rites.
I saw Earthlink laughing with delight
the day the service died.

So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine
And good old geeks are cheering users offline
Saying this'll be the day that they die.
This'll be the day that they die.

I met a girl in Lobby 9
And I asked her if she'd stay on-line.
But she just frowned and looked away.

And I went back to the Member Lounge
To see what loyalty I could scrounge
But Room Host said the members went away...

And on the net the modems scream
At faster speeds and data streams.

And not a tear was spoken.
The hourly fees were broken.

And the three men that I hated most
Ted, and Steve, and Razzouk's ghost
They couldn't dial up the host
The day the service died.