Funny Jokes : Complaint Letter

An allegedly real-life customer complaint letter sent to the NTL complaints

dept..

Dear Cretins

I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your

3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone.

During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I

had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of

monolithic proportions.

Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your

professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more

likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as

you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog

in your office:

My initial installation was cancelled without warning or notice, resulting in my

spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician

to arrive.

When he did not arrive at all, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your

infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling

me to look at your helpful website.... how?

I alleviated the boredom to some small degree by playing with my testicles for a

few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly

adept.

The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the

technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit,

and his cerebrum.

Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After several further

telephone calls (actually 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks) my modem arrived...

A total of six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it.

I estimate that the downtime of your internet servers is roughly 35%... these

are usually the hours between about 6pm and midnight, Monday to Friday, and most

of the useful periods over the weekend.

I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 telephone calls on

my mobile to your no-help line this week, and have been unhelpfully transferred

to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled

bollock jugglers.

I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call

me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me back);

that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line

is available (and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone who

knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been redirected to

an answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be

transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available

(and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman...and several

other variations on this theme.

Doubtless you are no-longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand

other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially

important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't care, it's far more

satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in print than to shout them at

your unending hold music.

Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.

I thought BT were crap, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of god-awful

customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested,

less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers.

That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there? How

surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction

and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are

sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum - incompetents of the highest order.

British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of

success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy.

Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to

receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you do likewise, and cease

any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which

you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver - any such activity

will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief - although these feelings

will quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps a small measure of

bemused rage.

I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter tray,

as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and your

pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during

transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel

considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and

delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL,

and it's worthless employees.

Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you

irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.